Awkward Pose

"Awkward" is a yoga pose, an elevated squat in which your arms are held rigid in front of you, and your derriere stretches back, searching for a chair that never materializes. Even nice rear ends look bizarre, hovering in such an aggressive thrust.

In my class, the instructor always urges us to search even harder for the chair, to sink the hips deeper.

"You'll feel like you're going to lose your balance and fall backward," she says, "but trust me, you won't." She reminds us not to be quite so grim about it all. "Relax your face," she says in a soothing tone. And occasionally, "Smile. See what a difference it makes."

It's hard to smile when your thighs shake and burn. But if you can manage it, you forget for a second the torturous position in which you've voluntarily put yourself.

If you haven't seen it, you get the picture -- awkward pose is not among the graceful postures they select for the cover of the yoga video box. But viewed from certain angles, there's beauty to it, a grace in the arch of the back, and the V it creates between thighs and chest.

There's also a hint of desperation in the reach of the arms -- at least my arms. They're saying, "Give me a rope. Something, anything, to keep this body from falling." But I get through it every time, some days with ease and pride, some days with gratitude that it's over.

Awkward pose is, in short, my life.

In my 41 years, I have lost my balance and fallen backward more times than I can recall. Often, the effort to stay balanced makes my head spin and leaves every part hurting. From the outside, it looks kind of strange sometimes, even uncomfortable to sustain. But there are moments of beauty and grace amid the wobbly, repeated attempts to stay in the right posture.

Month by month, year by year, trauma by trauma, I'm gaining strength. And do I imagine it, or does my butt look better through it all?

Here, with you, on this new blog, I'll try to regain the sense of humor that once was so fine and lately seems dulled by complicated poses I should never have tried, and tough decisions that knocked some wind out of me. I'm reminding myself to breathe deep. Relax my face, and smile. See what a difference it makes.

With that mantra in mind, this year hopefully will be is a successful experiment in serious amusement. For further details on this haphazard plan, turn an e-page to the as-yet-unwritten Entry #2. Must admit, I'm curious myself.