What do you do when the man you love is first, foremost and in his mind no more than, a friend? When for you, the roots of both friendship and love are hopelessly entangled, connected in a thick knot at the base of your relationship? The lines blurred so completely in your mind that you can't tell one from the other? When he tells you he loves you, trusts you, needs you as a friend? When he seeks your counsel, values you as a source of advice, find comfort in your ever-constant shoulder?

What do you do when the person who holds your heart in his hands turns to you and asks your advice about dating?

Do you turn your back? Do you walk away for good? Or do you accept and try to find a way to disentangle the friendship from the deeper emotion? Do you protect yourself or preserve the friendship? Is it possible to do both?

How is it that in the middle of such chaos, hearing words that should break you apart, you feel a deep sense of calm? And that you see beyond your disappointment to your friendship? How is it that you already know that this will endure no matter which route you choose?

For the moment, you set him straight, you tell him this is not a topic on which you can offer advice. But the bare facts remain unchanged, and you stand there in the parking lot, staring at them as you stare at each other. You hug the breath out of one another, and drive away in your separate, sensible sedans to your separate, not-so-sensible lives. And in the rear view mirror it unfurls, a gossamer thread of connection with a core of steel. You drive fast, date other men, and search for an exit. And finally, you wait. For the magical cure that is time.

I realize this entry has a flavor like none before it. Maybe it reveals more than you want to know, or than I even think I should share. But I write it because the blog is my relief valve, in a way, and part of the reason I have been absent is because I fear revealing too much, have told myself some topics just aren't suitable for this type of venue. And believe my entries here must be polished to near perfection, and generally entertaining. The blog so far has been a tightrope I walk between pride in my writing and fear of opening the door to myself. But this is also a form of therapy and when I could reach no one on the phone tonight, I came here.

I remind myself that this year is about doing things I've never done before. Things that frighten me. So I'm opening the door wider still, wobbling on that line as I do so. If reading this makes you uncomfortable, then welcome. You're on board with me in my 2006 adventure.

And just so you don't think I've forgotten my original intent, I'm about to complete Feat #11: I'm quitting a job I hate.

And I'm holding fast to this friend I love.