OK, I just wanna go on a rant completely unrelated to anything else. Things have been a little heavy on the blog here lately, so I'm going to skirt another edge for a moment and talk about one of life's mosquitos - an everyday issue that matters little but irritates just the same.

Who on earth invented scented underarm deodorant?

Personally, I want my armpits to do three things: not grow hair, not sweat and not smell. Not smell AT ALL. Armpits should be perfectly neutral on the whole smell thing. That's why I buy perfume and body spray. Fragrance should come from my pulse points, not my pits. What marketing whiz decided scented deodorant was a fine fricking idea? By its very name, deodorant should not have any smell!

Another thing about this stuff: Why is it so hard for them to make deodorant that doesn't leave white marks on your clothes? Some companies have done it; why can't they all?? Do the stain remover folks pay select companies NOT to make their deodorants invisible? What kind of crazy scheme is going on here exactly? Certainly, perfume manufacturers were not invited to the party.

I am somewhat happy with this product, Secret clear gel, because it is, as promised, clear. So far, it's left no white smudges on my black, navy or otherwise dark tops. But I had no choice about the smell. Either the Unscented was sold out, or Secret opted not to make such a ridiculous product. Who, after all, would want unscented deodorant when you could have what I now have: Vanilla Sparkle.

Now, my clothes are unmarked, but I smell like vanilla. Had I known how very strong Vanilla Sparkle was, I would not have purchased it. But my other options seemed no less desirable. I could have been Tropical Sparkle or Berry Sparkle. Vanilla seemed safe, neutral, even blah. It's vanilla, for God's sake. But not this stuff - it's overwhelmingly sweet and strong. Would that my perfumes lasted as long as Vanilla Sparkle Clear Gel Secret.

There's even a graphic of an ice cream cone on it. Does a 42-year-old woman really want to smell like an ice cream cone? Or a berry? Or a coconut? Does even a 16-year-old woman want this? The only women I can think of who want to smell like ice cream haven't yet developed sweat glands; they're racking up single digit birthdays and biting their tongues as they struggle to print their first names with soft-edged pencils.

Most of the time, I wear no fragrance at all, and on those days, that is my aim. I want to smell like nothing. I'd like to think I naturally emit a delightful fragrance of my own, but let's not kid ourselves. We're humans. Without deodorant, we stink. Even with deodorant, the odds of us smelling lovely are slim (let's not forget breath, feet and, well, other areas that are not naturally minty smelling).

So, how about a deodorant called Inoffensive Woman? When will we see that on the shelf? Or if that's not jazzy enough, Nature Girl. And please don't go adding any pine or earthy scents, thinking this will make DO even more attractive to the neutral-scent-seeking woman. Oh, and definitely don't go for patchouli.

No offense to anyone patchouli fans who may be reading this, but from my nose's point of view, only in the drug-crazed 60s and 70s could that "unique" odor have possibly been considered alluring. If you're in my vicinity and wearing it, please stand back a bit - but not so far that I can't reach the pipe you're extending in my direction.

Back to you manufacturing types: Follow the age-old KISS rule: Keep it simple, Stupid. Produce every underarm product with exactly the same basic, timeless name that I believe almost all of us scour the shelves for every time we're forced to buy deodorant: Unscented.