Why Charles Went To West Virginia Seeking Virgins

I do not know if a man named Charles ventured west in search of virgins, although I suppose in the history of time some horny lad named Charles, frustrated by the lack of pure women in his own burg, traveled west in hopes of finding chaste young women.

(And likely was disappointed. Digression. Sorry.)

All I know is that this particular Charles helped my son pass his capitals-and-states test.

Charleston, West Virginia. See?

My son came to me two weeks ago with tears in his eyes. Now, I know I mention his teary eyes quite often here in the land of blog, but that's because the occurrence is so rare. He's a good student who takes it all seriously, sometimes too much so, I think. It was a Sunday and he was taking his second test on the states and their capitals the next day.

"I only know a quarter of them," he told me, just minutes before we left on his return trip to the mountains.

I suggested printing out maps of the United States that showed states but no cities. If you can see it, I said, maybe then you can remember it. Quickly, I found some online and printed out about 10 copies, leaving him plenty for practice. He stuffed them in his homework binder and we loaded up for the ride. I saw by the expression on his face it had done little to soothe him, or bolster his confidence.

I remembered my mom grilling me on the states and capitals. Repetition was key, or at least part of it.

"How about I quiz you on them?" I offered.

He nodded and handed me a sheet on which each state and its capital was printed. I laid it on my right thigh so I could glance down at it while I drove.

"Alaska," I said.

He was silent, then finally sighed and said, "I don't know."

My mind worked. I think I even heard a rusty squeak as the gears began to turn.

"OK, Alaska has like three months of solid sun or something, right? I don't know when they are but let's say, since summer is sunny, that it's June - the month that school gets out and summer begins."

"Juneau," he interrupted me.

"Yes!"

And so we started down the line.

Some were easy. For Arizona, I asked him to think about the phoenix bird in Harry Potter, and the phrase that a phoenix rises from the ashes. Arizona is so hot it creates ashes, and from there, the phoenix comes.

Some were ridiculous.

"When Columbus saw the Indians in the new world, he probably said, 'Oh! Hi! Oh!'," I said, making an expression of surprise.

"God, that is so stupid!" Robby said, laughing.

"It is," I agreed. "But will you remember it?"

He nodded, trying in vain to hold back the laughter.

After each state, I went back to the beginning and quizzed him from Alaska on down. He soon began to roll his eyes with impatience at it, but his answers were rapid fire, without hesitation.

Halfway through, I suggested we stop. "Your head needs a break from this," I said. "Then your dad can take you through the rest."

"No," he said, grinning. "Let's keep going."

To my happy surprise, I realized he was having fun. It wasn't homework. Now, it was a game.

I found myself enjoying the challenge of making them as outrageous and memorable as possible. There was South Dakota. How could he remember Pierre? He didn't know a lick of French, and it related to nothing kidlike.

"Well, South Dakota is one of those big states without a lot of people in it. In fact, it's so big and empty you could pee in the air and no one would notice!"

"Mom! That's sick!" Robby said, grinning ear-to-ear.

"What's the capital of South Dakota?"

He tried unsuccessfully to fight a smile. "Pierre."

By the time we reached his dad - nearly an hour and a half of quizzing later - Robby's confidence had returned. He jumped out of the car and threw his PS2 and homework binder into his dad's truck. I started to step back into my car, but he came rushing back, his smile as wide as his arms, and locked me in a hug.

I kissed his head, and whispered, "Don't tell your dad about West Virginia."

He nodded and grinned conspiratorially.

Three days later, I found a message on my cell phone. "Mom, I got 100 out of 100 on my test! I thought you'd want to know that and ... well, more when I see you."

For reasons far removed from Robby's of just days ago, now it was my turn to get teary eyed.